


Bare-faced

by coolant



Series: Jan, The Bull, and The Wolf [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: BDSM, F/M, Fluff, From Sex to Love, Rebound Sex, Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-08 22:36:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4323402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolant/pseuds/coolant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jana Lavellan finds herself needing to burn off some steam after her relationship with Solas ends. The Iron Bull happily obliges.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Soft Human Bed

Bare-faced like a child and stiff, Jan felt the grass between her toes. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. The steady thrum of her heart continued despite its aching.

She had left Solas at Skyhold for the past three expeditions so far, instead bringing Dorian or Vivenne for magical support. She found herself unable to look at him now. It was not sadness that welled up in her throat when she saw him, but a boiling anger. She felt out of control and unfocused with him around.

And occasionally, while catching a glimpse of his movements in battle, the clench of his jaw and concentrated gaze, the dexterous twirl of his hands controlling his staff, she would get  _ aroused _ . She would remember the feeling of those hands pressing on her waist, the landscape of his jaw as traced by her fingers.

Which then brought her to their final kiss, the tenderness with which he held her, and then the shift of his gaze from affection to sadness.

That was when the anger began to scorch her neck and ears.  _ Banal’abelas, banal'vhenan. _

Jan preferred the quiet of her numbness to the continuous rush of her anger. Without Solas around, there was only the wind, the earth, and the loosed arrow brushing past her fingertips and flying towards her adversary.

Today was a little different, however. Among her party was The Iron Bull, who was deriving great glee from killing the Venatori skulking around the Emerald Graves. He was positively jovial as he launched himself at their foes. Jan smiled faintly as he tried to joke around with Cole, despite the boy's still being a little clueless when it came to Bull’s brand of humor.

She loosed an arrow, hitting an approaching Vint mage square between the eyes.

“Nice  _ shot,  _ boss.” Bull shouted in approval. Jan couldn’t help but grin back at him. He turned back to battle, swinging his hammer as he pivoted. She watched the play of the muscles on his back as the metal of his weapon crashed down onto some poor sod’s shoulder.

Jan had never really looked at Bull- never  _ examined _ him. When they first met, Jan admitted she was a little afraid. She had never seen a Qunari before and found his hulking form and horns intimidating. But there, on that shallow hill in the Emerald Graves, she began to admire him. Not as a person- she already admired his intelligence and disarming kindness, not to mention his prowess as a warrior. But now what she admired was the expanse of his shoulders, the bulging muscles in his neck, the pleased growl of his laugh when an enemy fell.

As she raised her bow once more, she felt heat shoot between her legs.

_ Creators _ , she needed to get laid.

  
  


\---

 

By the time the sun began to sink, the party had taken hold of a chateau formerly occupied by Orlesian troops. The scouts moved camp, setting up a de facto Keep. Jan explored the handful of rooms, most with dusty furniture and paintings covered by tarps. One was clearly a bedroom, an impossibly plush mattress still made up with goose feather blankets and pillows. She removed the tarp and ran her fingers over the sheets, soft and seemingly still crisp.

She remembered her first night in her quarters at Skyhold, how odd it had felt to sleep in a fluffy human bed. However, after so many nights returning, sore and exhausted from weeks of battling rifts and the labyrinth of human politics, she’d come to appreciate the softness.

The first had been in the woods. It had been quick and messy, a hurried tryst beneath a tree, whispers in the tongue of her people.  _ Ma vhenan, emma lath. _

The second time she and Solas had made love, it had been in her bed. Their embrace had been sweet and slow, soft like the cushions they set on.

When she slept in human beds now, she found herself plagued by nightmares, shadows of anger and sorrow chasing and always eventually consuming her. Night after night she’d awake drenched in sweat, tears streaking her face. She had slept on the floor of her room every night for a month now.

Jan left the bed joined her crew in  the foyer. A fire had been lit and the smell of cooked meat filled the room. She found Bull at a table with some of the scouts, nursing a mug of something.

“You gotta tell your boys to pack some better shit.” Bull smirked, raising his mug to her as she approached. “This shit’s too weak.”

“I’ll make note of it.” Jan replied dryly, shifting to sit beside him and smiling. “The Iron Bull would like you to pack better ‘shit.’” He laughed, good natured, then looked down at her with a softened eye.

“Hey, boss, I heard about you and Solas. That’s rough.” He rested an elbow on the table, turning towards her more. “How you holdin’ up?”

“It’s done.” Jan replied with tight lips. There was a pause- perhaps Bull was waiting to see if she had more to say. She didn’t. Everyone more or less knew that their relationship had ended, but few people had actually asked her about it. She couldn’t say she minded, though. She preferred not to think about it at all.  “But thank you for asking, Iron Bull.” She touched his forearm and found it softer than she would have guessed. He smiled keenly as her touch lingered a moment too long.

“You’re pretty tough for someone so tiny.” He teased. When The Chargers first joined the Inquisition Jan had mentioned her unease about Qunari was primarily due to how bloody big they were.

“I suppose.” The Inquisitor shrugged, disinterested in receiving compliments about her fortitude, teasing or otherwise. Her eye traveled down the length of his face to the scarring not covered by his eyepatch. Each scar on his body held a story. It seemed fitting to her that Bull's most notable scar was one born of selfless kindness- an eye for the life of a stranger. Jan chewed her lip.

“Iron Bull.” She said. He tilted his head in response.

“Yeah, boss?”

“Would you come with me, please?” Her words were too soft to be a casual request. It was not a “would you come help me with the dishes, “  but a “let’s get some privacy.” Bull arched an eyebrow, smile growing wry.

“Sure, boss.” He stood and the chair creaked at the loss of his mass. He followed Jan from the foyer into that dusty bedroom. Jan felt odd for a moment, so brazenly leaving to bring a man to bed. But with a roll of her shoulders she said to herself,  _ I am the Inquisitor _ . She would do as she pleased.

Bull closed the door behind him and stood a polite distance away, arms cross and smirking.

“Just wanted to get me alone, hmm?” She did not falter.

“Is that a problem?” As with most things, Jan wasted little time being coy and cut to the chase. Bull shook his head lightly.

“No, not a problem.” He took a few steps closer. “Just wonder if you know what you’re getting into here.”

Jan was a listener. She'd heard the scuttlebutt her soldiers and staff didn’t think anyone important would catch. She had heard tell of Bull and his proclivities and she wasn’t at all repulsed or offended by them- in fact, she found herself rather curious.

“I rarely get into anything without the proper intel.” She offered a sly smile. Bull, after falling victim to her inscrutable interrogation about his past and the Qunari, had joked once that she might make a decent Ben-Hassrath. Jan almost laughed after she said this; the irony of her relationship with Solas was not lost on her. She realized, once he’d left her, that she barely knew him at all. Perhaps she should have done more reconnaissance.

Bull grinned with teeth, moving towards her, slowly backing her into the far corner.

“That’s true. But still, I don’t think gossip could do what  _ I _ do justice.” She felt the shot of heat between her legs again, the same one she’d felt watching him cave-in Venatori armor with his hammer. Her heart began to beat a little faster. Suddenly, he took hold of her hands, pinning them on the wall behind her. She sucked in a quick breath; she had to crane her neck to look up at him, his good eye examining her face carefully.

“Still think you’re up for it?” Bull’s voice was hushed, his voice so low it made her shiver. In response, Jan leaned into him, rubbing up against his thigh and biting his lip.

“Ahh, feisty.” Bull took hold of her waist with big hands. His eye narrowed and his grin grew. “I like it.”

He crashed into her, pushing her into the wall, pressing his thigh between her legs till it made her whimper. His kisses were not sweet or soft, but they were  _ good _ . They were rough, nipping her lips and neck. He lifted her and she reflexively wrapped her legs around his massive waist, gripping at the skin and scars on his back.

Bull dropped her onto the cushy Orlesian bed, puffs of dust flying as she landed. He leaned above her, holding her wrists, his face inches from hers.

“You want to stop, say  _ katoh. _ ” Jan barely listened. She had no intention of stopping.

“Get on with it.” She breathed, mouth lingering near his. Bull hummed in approval and began to strip her down. She tried to help but he stopped her.

“No.” He said firmly, pressing her wrist back to the mattress. She let her arms go limp. When she and Solas fucked, it was a game- a playful fight for dominance. But this was different. Jan was  _ tired _ . She was keen on letting Bull do all the work, to let him take control.

First, he untied her scarf and began to drag his teeth over her neck. He sucked where her neck met her collarbone and she moaned softly, knowing full well that it would leave a mark. Next, he undid the buckles holding her leather shift into place. He peeled the leather away, leather etched with the designs of her people, and discarded it like wrapping paper. She wore no smalls so her small breasts stiffened in the cool air, heaving with her chest. He touched them lightly with his thumbs, massaging, then he lowered his head and kissed them. He sucked her skin and left another mark, this one on the side of her breast. He worried her nipples with his teeth which drew from her a quivering sigh.

Bull’s wide, calloused hands settled at her pelvic bones, just above the waist of her leggings. He admired her tan skin and taught muscles that clenched with every breath.

“Boss,” He said, kneading the skin where her thighs met her hip. “I don’t want you getting all quiet on me. I want to hear every little noise you make.” No decisions to make, no plans to assemble- just react as her body tells her. She nodded.

Pleased, Bull swiftly tugged off her leggings and growled once she was fully nude. For a moment, Jan felt more exposed than she ever had. She realized this was her first time naked with a man since the removal of her vallaslin. She remembered the tingle of the spell stinging her face. Then, looking in a mirror for the first time after Crestwood. She remembered how her heart sank each time she saw her reflection after that, the steady chant of  _ fool fool fool _ echoing through her mind.  _ You changed your face for him. _

Bull unceremoniously stuck a finger inside her and she gasped; she’d never felt fingers like his. Wide and long and strong. He curled the finger, pressing into her.

“Keep your mind here.” He growled, thrusting his finger in and out slowly. She sighed and nodded again and looked down her belly at him. He stood at the foot of the bed and smiled down at her as he inserted another finger.

“Mmm,” Jan bit her lip. The look on his face was too much; his gaze bore into her, lips curled upward.

“Damn, you’re tight, boss.” He noted, fucking her with his fingers, thumb teasing her clit. “Forgot how little you elves are.” Jan saw his cock hardening in his pants and  _ Creators _ it was big. She felt a jolt of both apprehension and excitement.

“We’ll just have to loosen you up.” Bull chuckled and Jan’s eyes rolled back into her head and she squirmed.

“ _ Fenedhis. _ ” She hissed as he massaged her cunt. With his free hand, Bull reached out to squeeze her breast, then leaned in to give her a rough kiss. Jan longed to grab his face, to hold his horns and buck against his hands, but she stayed still as she could.

“Another.” She growled into his mouth. Bull laughed and went ahead and inserted all four of his fingers, eliciting a groan. Bull stretched her gently, still grazing over her clit and pressing against her in just the right spot. Her stiff nipples grazed against his massive chest. She wanted to feel the weight of him, to feel the force of those strong hips. Jan grew impatient and began to buck into his fingers, eager.

“Patience.” Said the Iron Bull as he pulled his fingers free; Jan whimpered at the loss. Eyes still boring into her, he unbuckled his leather pauldron. It fell to the floor, and after that his trousers. Jan’s eyes widened at the sight of him. His broad chest was no surprise, as he spent most of his time shirtless anyway. But the muscle and skin as they traveled down his belly were so deliciously husky, soft but strong. His cock was hard, thicker and longer than any she’d seen before.  Almost subconsciously, her hand traveled down her belly towards her clit. She began to play with herself idly as her eyes raked over him, aching with desire.

“No.” He said again, taking hold of her hand, briefly taking the finger she’d used into his mouth. “Only I can touch you.”

“Then  _ do it _ .” Jan hissed, back arching, hands gripping at the sheets. He grinned, crawling towards her, moving her knees apart and settling there. He teased her with his cock, slow shallow trusts into her aching lips. She tensed, abdominals clenching.

His shallow trusts then began to deepen, the head of his cock pressing into her. She moaned, pleading. More pressure, more speed. She wanted to be taken, she wanted to be  _ fucked _ .

With each thrust he pushed into her a little more. Her body resisted at first but after enough massaging, it relaxed. With a few more light thrusts, he was fully inside her. She gazed up at him foggily, panting and limbs akimbo, her muscles clenching around him. Bull grunted, staying there for a moment, rocking his hips into her. Then he pulled out of her so suddenly she gasped. He flipped her over, pressing her chest and head into the mattress, ass up in the air.

He took hold of her ass, spreading her open with his thumbs, and guided his cock back in. He began to fuck her then, roughly. Jan cried out, the sheer size of his cock and the power behind his thrusts was almost enough to make her come.

“That’s it, boss.” Bull leaned over, chest touching her back, lips touching her ear. “Let the whole Inquisition hear you.” Jan laughed, her face flushed. Somehow, Bull knew. He knew her conflict; her affair with Solas had been discreet, quite. Intense and passionate but almost secret. A part of her wanted to feel something different, something loud and explosive, something that left her breathless and bruised and earned her embarrassed looks from any soldiers who overheard her.

“Harder.” Her voice was breathy. “Make me scream.”

“Can do.” He snarled, rolling his hips, fucking her roughly. Jan cried out, pleading for more. He sped up and dropped a hand between her legs, teasing her clit with the perfect amount of pressure. Jan felt nothing except for his thrusts, the slap of his belly on her ass. As much as she liked being taken, she felt a little bit proud at how aroused  _ he _ sounded, the sounds he made when she began to tighten.

“I expect this to be  _ loud _ .” Bull warned, knowing she was close to climax. She would have laughed, but her body was too consumed in pleasure. When she came, she let out a long moan, louder than any sound she’d ever made. She seized around him, whole body squeezing in waves. Bull grunted as he came, spilling inside of her violently.

Bull chuckled, giving her ass a good smack. He pulled out and she whimpered, collapsing onto her stomach.

“How was that, boss?” He settled on his side next to her, brushing hair from her face.

“That was exactly what I needed.” She murmured, smiling. She couldn’t really feel her legs at the moment. Bull laughed again. He laughed often, always from his belly.

“I know. Ben-Hassrath, remember?” This time  _ she _ laughed, clapping him on the shoulder.

“Thank you.” Jan said, voice suddenly quiet. Bull stood from the bed and began to put his pants back on. He glanced back at her, his gaze soft.

“Don’t mention it.” He reached over and draped the blanket onto her. “And hey, if you want to try this again back at Skyhold, I can bring some of my… toys.” He winked at her and she snorted. She knew she would be seeking him out a Skyhold, if only to find out what “toys” he was referring to. She watched him as he stood with his hand on the doorknob. “Goodnight, boss. Get some rest.”

 

“Goodnight.” Jan echoed softly, curling into the blankets. Sleep came easily, and for the first time in a month no shadows in the fade came to haunt her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have NO idea how to write BDSM at all, I'm sure that's evident. So as a result I think their sex ended up a little vanilla. Still, I tried my best.
> 
> I know a lot of people like Cullen as the go-to rebound BF but I thought Bull might be more fun, especially since he's okay with casual sex. Though I'm struggling with whether or not to make this canon in my playthrough for Jan... It depends largely on what happens with Solas in any subsequent DLC. In the meantime, these two'll just be banging and having fun.
> 
> (That said, I liked their chemistry a little too much in this so I might have written myself into a love-triangle oops.)


	2. Curosity

The day the Inquisitor returned from the Emerald Graves, she made the tumultuous journey to the rookery for a meeting with Leliana. The Spymaster was her most trusted advisor and Jan made a habit of checking in with her periodically. The trouble was that Solas rarely left the rotunda, leaving her no choice but to pass him in order to reach her.

She squared her shoulders and powered through, head held high. She’d forgone her scarf today, leaving her neck and, coincidentally, the love bite she’d been given by Iron Bull bare for all to see. Solas stood at his desk, glancing up as she passed. Hand resting on door to the stairs, she glanced back. She saw his eyes flick from her face to the bruise on her neck. His face hardly changed, but Jan spotted the slightest furrow of his eyebrows. She turned away and mounted the steps. Petty though it was, Jan felt a swell of satisfaction.

 

\---

 

After her meeting with Leliana, Jan left to roam the garden. She prodded at the herb patch, murmuring softly to each plant. It was a bit of a Dalish superstition, talking to plants, and though she doubted it did any good, she enjoyed it.  _ Grow tall,  _ she would whisper in her tongue,  _ grow strong. _

As she sat in the grass, running thumbs over the leaves and stalks, her mind wandered. She grazed past the bruise on her neck and remembered the feeling of teeth and tongue, the tickle of stubble on her chin. She remembered the smell of blood and skin, the feeling of her face pressed into the dusty Orlesian blankets as she gasped.

Jan stood and shook her head, the tips of her ears growing hot. She wasn’t normally this  _ insatiable _ . Too many touches lingered in her mind, Bull and Solas’ both. Silently she cursed her mind for clinging to her moments with Solas, longing to erase them.  _ Let me forget.  _ She felt the bruise on her breast beneath her skin.  _ Let me burn these memories like kindling. _

She moved to the courtyard and found The Iron Bull training Krem, his lieutenant. They were equipped with only shields, Bull smashing into the much smaller human, holding nothing back.

“Come on, Krem!” The qunari barked, resetting his stance. “You’ve got to see that one coming.” Krem made some quip about being distracted by his pillowy man-bosoms and Bull knocked him down once more.

“What’d I tell you ‘bout the backtalk?” He scolds, but he doesn’t scold at all. He nods his head away from the training yard. “Go get some water.”

Krem retreated, wiping sweat from his brow. Jan settled against a wall, arms crossed. She watched Bull intently. The sun was hot and sweat was beading across the expanse of his back. Bull casually turned, adjusting the shield on his arm and finding her there. He smirked, giving her a nod and she smiled back, not bothering to hide the hunger in her eyes.

“Heya, boss.” He called, lumbering over towards her. He pointed to his own collar bone and grinned. “You’ve, ah, got something right here.” Jan ran her fingers over the bite, not breaking eye contact with him.

“I know,” She sighed. “I left without my scarf today and now everyone’s seen it.” She pretended to be ashamed, but she didn’t try very hard.

“You must be embarrassed.” Bull came closer. The sun cast a halo around his head and horns, shadows falling over the wrinkles of his weather face.

“Not in the slightest.” Jan raised her chin, lips curling upwards. Bull chuckled.

“You’re something else, boss.” Jan did not respond, instead reaching out a hand to adjust the strap of his harness.

“When we were alone in the Emerald Graves,” her words came slowly from her mouth, dripping like honey. “You mentioned toys.” Bull raised an eyebrow, moving even closer. She could feel the heat of his body.

“Mhmm. I did.” He ran a tongue over his teeth. “Curious?”

“I’m curious.” She replied, squaring her shoulders with his as best she could. Bull grinned.

“Meet in my room in an hour.”

 

\---

 

Jan arrived early, entering Bull’s quarters nonchalantly. His room was oddly tidy, bed made, floor clear of any debris. Aside from the hole in the ceiling, it was impeccably kept. She began picking about, looking through drawers. It was nosey, and perhaps a little impolite, but Bull kept few secrets. Within minutes of meeting her, he’d admitted he was a spy. He operated above-board, something she appreciated. She doubted any secrets he  _ did _ keep were stored in drawers.

She found what she presumed to be his “toy” drawer. It was full of silken scarves and bottles of pleasant smelling oils. There were other knick-knacks inside, things with uses she could not for the life of her figure out.

“Looking through my stuff, Inquisitor?” Bull ducked through the doorway to stop his horns from colliding with the frame. Jan turned to him, shrugging.

“I told you I was curious.”

“That’s not very polite.” The Iron Bull practically purred. He grabbed her chin roughly and she couldn’t help but gasp. “I should teach you a lesson about respecting people’s privacy.”

“Is that what these are? Teaching tools?” The Inquisitor tightened her fingers around a strip of the silky fabric, her eyes alight and dancing.

“Bed.” He snarled with flashing teeth, lips curled into a grin. He shoved her down, sitting her at the foot of the bed, snatching the scarf from her fingers. Jan sat rigid, pulse quickening, her brain already growing hazy at the intensity of his expression. He began to undress her and this time, she let him, keeping her arms limp. She was at his mercy. She saw him smile when he recognized the bruise on her breast and pressed into it with his thumb so that she squirmed. Bull dragged his tongue along her neck and over the bite on her collarbone, then moved up to nibble at the sensitive tip of her ear. Jan yelped, hands flying to his shoulders, his skin still damp from training.

“That’s no good.” He rumbled, grabbing both of her wrists firmly. With the scarf he’d taken from her, he tied one hand to the post of the bed frame. He retrieved a second and did the same to her other wrist. The knots were tight but the fabric was soft.

“You remember the watchword?” He asked, cupping her face with his massive hands, brushing the dark hair from her eyes.

“ _ Katoh. _ ” The Qunlat tasted strange on her tongue. It tasted like the Iron Bull. She shifted her head, pulling one of his thumbs between her lips, nibbling. He tasted like dirt and sweat. Bull let her linger there, chuckling darkly.

“Good.” Then he jerked his hands from her face, undoing the buckles of his pauldron and trousers. He was already half hard and Jan squirmed, eager to take him again. Her body was still sore from their first encounter, but it was a good pain. A dull ache, like the burning between her legs when she watched the muscles of his massive thighs as he walked toward her. She rolled her hips and pulled at the restraints, almost falling off the edge of the bed. She was sitting precariously, her ass just barely on the mattress. She pressed on the floor with the balls of her feet to stop from toppling over.

Bull settled down on his knees, joints creaking ever-so slightly, and spread her knees apart. He took the time to admire her, the dusting of hair surrounding her cunt and ghosting up her belly. He let his index finger graze over her lips, already hot and wet. Jan squeezed her eyes shut and bit her lip so hard she thought she might start bleeding.

Instead, she felt stubble grazing the inside of her thigh, rough hands sliding over her skin. Chest heaving, she looked down at him and he smirked, his good eye crinkled mirthfully. Bull moved painfully slowly, pressing his lips to her cunt. Jan whimpered, jerking into his mouth, making him hum. He drove his tongue into her, steady and deliberate, teeth grazing the tender skin outside.

“Bull,  _ fenedhis! _ Please!”  _ Faster _ , she begged. But he would not yield. He growled, moving his hands to her ass and squeezing, nails dragging over the supple skin. He began to suck on her clit, twirling his tongue in circles. Jan cried out, head falling back. She pressed the floor with her toes, her whole body begging for release. She moaned, bucking- she was so  _ close _ .

Bull pulled back then, dragging his nails down her thighs as he did. Jan’s eyes flew open and she whimpered, mouth agape.

“Bull?” She whispered, her voice small and desperate.  _ Don’t go!  _ A shot of fear it her chest, as if he would actually leave her here, bound and burning alive. He smiled, grabbing one of the bottles from his drawer and spreading an oil on his hands. He ran one over his cock and as he did she could smell the whatever it was- warm and spicy like cinnamon and cloves. He ran his other hand over her cunt, dipping his fingers in slightly, purring when she jerked into his touch.

“Something different.” He explained shortly, still stroking himself. Jan felt a heat begin to spread across the skin he’d touched with oil. When he pressed his cock into her, the warmth spread inside with him.

She let out an obscene moan. The oil made his entrance that much easier; he slid in without resistance. She balled her hands into fists, her bonds taught as she pulled against them, rocking into his hips. Bull took her by the ass, her knees over his elbows, and lifted her up so she hovered just above the mattress. He fucked her slowly so that she had no choice but to savor the feeling of his thrusts, of his soft hips slapping against her skin. Jan felt like she was floating above the bed. She fell limp, letting him carry her whole weight as he drove into her.

Now that she’d relaxed, forgotten how close she’d earlier come to climax, Bull quickened his pace, practically bouncing her off his stomach. Somewhere in the back of her mind she marveled that he could carry and fuck her at the same time. Her eyes glazed over the muscles of his biceps and abdominals as they flexed with each thrust.

“Iron Bull.” She whispered his name like a prayer. Jan felt silly with pleasure. The ceaseless rolling of his hips and hearty grunts were the only sensations she could process. Once she said his name his thrusts became erratic. She watched his face with blurry eyes, watched it twist up as he lost himself for a moment before regaining control. He smirked back at her.

“I’m gonna make you come now, boss.” She tried to nod, but all her muscles and tendons felt like jelly. He fucked her hard and impossibly deep, pounding furiously, and she came quickly. And, as he had the last time they’d played, Bull only came once she was done, her whole body shivering in aftershock.

He stood still for a moment, still inside of her, breathing through his nose. His chest rose and fell, streaked and shiny with sweat. Jan was still watching his face, her own chest heaving in time with his. Carefully, he pulled out and set her down. He gently undid her bonds and laid her out on his bed. He brought a damp cloth and dabbed at her wrists, sweaty from where the knots had been. He pressed it to her neck, cooling her flushed skin. All the while, Jan laid still, her heartbeat slowing, her body weak and humming. She’d never felt better.

Jan turned to look at him as he cleaned between her legs, wiping away any excess oil and semen. He did this so easily, without awkwardness, without shame.

“You’re very kind.” She blurted and he looked over at her, his gaze thoughtful. Jan’s ears grew hot when he did not respond. Perhaps he couldn’t think of something to say. Perhaps he wanted to say... “I’m not, really.” “Shucks, boss.” “Only to you.” But he said nothing and smiled before rising and getting her a cup of water. She sat up and took it gratefully, watching as he cleaned himself up.

“So,” Bull finally spoke, settling down on the bed beside her, still nude. “You still curious?” Jan laughed, running fingers over the creases the silk had left indented into skin.

“Consider my curiosity officially sated.”

“Good.” He nodded. “Glad I could be of service to the Inquisition.” He teased, but Jan felt her heart sink a little. She  _ was _ using him for sex. He knew it, it was no secret. There’d been no miscommunication about what they were doing, about what they had done. Yet…

Jan stood from the bed with shaky legs, placing her cup and the dresser and slowly pulling her leggings back on.

“You can stay for a while, if you want. If you need to… recuperate.” Bull said through a grin. The Inquisitor offered another laugh, this one wobblier than the last. She was truly exhausted and could probably use with more rest. But an anxiety in her chest made her pull her tunic back on.

“I  _ could _ use the rest.” She smiled faintly at him. “But I’ve got a pile of reports from Leliana on my desk that I should probably get to.”

She lied, and he knew it. Still, he wore his good-natured smile, nodding in understanding.

“Right. Inquisitor stuff.”

“Right.”  Jan echoed, fully dressed now, shifting nervously between her feet. “Have a good night, Bull.” She touched the metal of the door handle, then glanced back. “And... thanks again.”

“No problem, boss.” He said softly. Jan’s skin pimpled with gooseflesh as she closed the door. She hurried back to her room, rubbing at the soft red skin on her wrists.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are... These two are ruining my life. 
> 
> Tried to throw some bondage in there- still no idea what I'm doing. Having fun, though! I've already got the next chapter on the go, oops. This was supposed to be a one-shot.


	3. Asit tal-eb

The Qunari don’t have sex for love.

They had sex for fun, sure. But they didn’t have sex for children and they certainly didn’t have sex for love.

The Iron Bull reminded himself each time the Inquisitor left his room in the dead of night, her skin underneath his fingernails.

 

\---

 

As the impending battle with Corypheus grew closer, the Inquisition’s gathering of allies grew more intense. They recruited everyone they could; every farmer willing to exchange his pitchfork for a broad sword, every brow-beaten apostate, every healer with herbs and skills to spare. For this reason, Jan felt a surge of relief when Bull informed her the Qunari were interested in an alliance.

Wary as she was of the Qun, the Qunari themselves were worthy allies. Their navy alone could do wonders for the Inquisition’s security. They made haste to the Storm Coast.

A few hours went by, a few dozen Venatori were slain, and then they were atop a hill signaling the dreadnaught and The Chargers on the slope adjacent. Rain fell softly, washing the blood from their bodies to pool in their socks and between their toes. Gatt, the Elven Ben-Hassrath (a curiosity in his own right,) called Bull “Hissrad.” Jan found herself inherently repelled by the name. Perhaps it was because it signified his ties to the Qun, to the world so different and so contrary to her own. Perhaps it was that Hissrad was a noun, not a name; a denotation of his societal function, and nothing more. Still, Jan stayed quiet.

When the dreadnaught drifted through the fog, Bull seemed excited. Gleeful, even. She supposed she could understand- if she were seeing an aravel trot into Skyhold, she would feel the same.  _ My people are here, my people are helping. _

But then she watched his face fall in slow realization.

“Crap.” A squad of Venatori were in route to the hill The Chargers kept. There were far too many of them. The Chargers would not- could not hold. Gatt reminded Bull they needed to hold their position to keep the dreadnaught safe.

“They do that and they’re dead.” Bull snarled. His face was wrought with conflict. Gatt spat out the world  _ Tal-Vashoth _ and Bull visibly tensed.

He’d told Jan of the Tal-Vashoth once- told her of the time in his life when killing them was all he did. They’re mindless butchers, he’d said, mad and merciless. Soon after that, he told of his time being “re-educated” and Jan listened in mute horror. It was then that Jan learned Bull would rather submit himself to torture than risk becoming a thing he feared.

A few days after, Bull introduced her to The Chargers properly, listing off their names as if they were his children. His men, his brood. He laughed when the burst into song, swinging their mugs in the air, spilling ale on the tavern floor.

Bull looked at her, his brows knit.  _ Please, _ his gaze said,  _ don’t force me to make this choice. _

“Pull back.” Jan said firmly. No army was worth making Bull watch his family die.

 

\---

 

On the trip back to Skyhold, The Chargers lamented the loss of the dreadnaught but seemed otherwise unbothered.

“We knew you’d have our back, Chief.” Krem told him. Iron Bull slapped his Lieutenant on the shoulder and murmured something about breaking open a cask when they returned.

 

\---

 

_ Your soul is dust!  _ The Ben-Hassrath agent barked before Bull tossed him off the battlements.

“Bull!” Jan rushed to him, examining where the assassin’s blade had cut his arm. Her heart thumped loudly in her chest. Despite herself, she’d feared for him when the assassins had first attacked. She knew he could protect himself, but that didn’t stop the panic that caught in her throat. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” He grunted, rolling his shoulders. “Hurt myself worse than this fooling around in bed.” He smirked, but Jan deemed it dishonest. She didn’t care how well the Ben-Hassrath had trained him to keep his facial expressions in check; she knew he hurt, and it wasn’t because of some little nick.

“Are you?” She asked, though she didn’t expect a response. “You could have told me you were expecting trouble.” He’d sent word he wanted speak with her and she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t surprised that the subject was “I may need you for backup when men disguised as your soldiers make an attempt at my life.”

“There wasn’t time. Besides, I didn’t want you tipping them off.” She shoved him lightly, scowling.

“Don’t insult me.”

“Wasn’t trying to, boss.” Bull rubbed his neck. She accepted the apology but her face was still set like stone.

“So, Tal-Vashoth, huh?” Jan prodded.  _ Don’t hide from me _ . Bull snorted.

“Yeah. Tal-Va-Fucking-Shoth.” Bull turned to lean on the battlements, swaying, agitated. “I killed hundreds of Tal-Vashoth in Seheron. Murderers. Bandits. Now I’m one of them.” Jan moved beside him, leaning close.

“You’re not like them. You’re a  _ good man _ .” She said this with such conviction, such confidence that Bull felt compelled to take her word as fact without question.

“Without the Qun to live by-“

“Bullshit.” Jan spat. She knew enough about the Qun and enough about Bull to know how separate the two really were. Bull made large life choices in service to the Qun, but the day to day? All Jan saw was a man, strong and kind, doing his part to make the world safer for the innocent and small. Qun or no, that would never change. She felt her heart swell and she tried to show it to him. “You’re a good man, Iron Bull. You’re better than most. No name can change that.”

He looked at her. Her face was scrunched up and serious, a fire in her eyes. He felt the muscles in his own face relax, gaze softening.

“Thanks, boss.” Satisfied, Jan leaned back, looking again at the cut on his arm.

“Now come on, let me take care of this.” Bull was about to tell her not to bother, but she’d already begun pushing him into his quarters. She sat him down on the bed and began to clean the blood away. Once it was treated, she wrapped it in a little bandage. It looked quite comical, the tiny strip of gauze clinging weakly to his massive shoulder, but Jan seemed satisfied at having helped a little.

Jan looked up at him once she was finished and saw him staring off at the wall. Thoughts still chased him- fear of madness, fear of the deadened look in the eyes of the Tal-Vashoth who’d murdered that Tamasran and her children.  _ Your soul is dust, Tal-Vashoth. _

Tentatively, she turned his jaw and pressed her lips to his. He was surprised at first, but when she kissed him again, soft mouth capturing his bottom lip, he settled a hand onto her neck, letting his eye slide closed.  _ Don’t look back there,  _ she whispered with her kisses.

Her small fingers explored his cheeks, his jaw, the shell of his ears. He did the same, tangling his fingers in her dark hair, taking hold. Her kisses steadily grew in intensity. She dragged her tongue across his lip, across his teeth. When he reciprocated, she sighed, clenching her fingers around the base of his horns.

Swiftly she moved to straddle him and he took hold of her waist, feeling her hips as she moved. She broke from his mouth and kissed along his neck, nibbling at his ear. His breath caught and she purred, wiggling her hips as she tried it again.

“Boss…” He murmured, making a half-hearted attempt at pulling her off him.

“Shh,” She hushed him, leaning her weight forward till his back was pressed to the mattress. “I want to feel you.”

The Iron Bull was very rarely a bottom in bed- physically or psychologically. But right then, he felt compelled towards surrender.  _ Give me a command. Give me a path. _ He ceded.

The Inquisitor did indeed feel him. Her hands explored every hill of his muscles, her tongue traced along every scar. She stripped away his armor and ran her hands over every inch of skin she could reach. Bull watched her quietly as she worked, jaw clenching when she found a particularly sensitive inch of flesh. She took his cock and he felt it stiffen at her touch. She licked the length of him, taking him into her mouth, tongue pressing along the underside. Bull groaned, displaying just enough self-control to not buck into her mouth.

She was still clothed, but when she slid up to rest her cunt against him, he felt her wet lips and remembered she didn’t wear smalls. She rocked back and forth, moving so that her clit rubbed against him, throwing her head back and sighing with pleasure.

_ The Qunari don’t have sex for love _ , Bull found himself thinking as she finally took him inside of her, moaning and digging her nails into his chest.  _ The Qunari don’t have sex for love, _ as she rolled her hips, fucking him and looking him straight in the eye.

_ The Qunari don’t have sex for love,  _ and she bit his neck, sucking hard and groaning into his skin, and he sank his nails into the flesh of her ass, fucking back, savoring the feel of her. Savoring the look on her face when she took him to the hilt, her mouth agape, eyes glistening. Savoring her strangled cry when she came around him.

Qunari don’t have sex for love, but he was Tal-Vashoth, now.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I'm in Iron Bull hell.
> 
> Chapter title is "The way things are meant to be" in Qunlat


	4. Knots

“Heh, look. Titcicles.” Jan snorted, rolling her eyes.

“ _ Really _ , Bull.”

“What?” He seemed offended, grumbling. “ _ Sera _ would have laughed at that.”

“She most certainly would have.” Jan shook her head, smiling back at him. Bull was doing his best to break the tension as they traveled across the Emprise du Lion, which Jan appreciated. Alas, it wasn’t really working.

A few paces away, Solas trailed behind with Cole in toe. Solas requested he be brought along, having some-such veil or spirit business to attend to. Jan hadn’t listened very carefully when he’d asked her. She had better things to do than chaperone his field trip, but allowed him in the caravan. She even gave him permission to take some others along, should he run into trouble. Despite their personal qualms, he had been a loyal member of the Inquisition, so she felt she owed him at least some courtesy.

At least he had said very little so far, mostly keeping to himself or conversing softly with Cole. But his presence alone was enough to give Jan a knot in the muscles of her back.

The snow here reminded her of waking after the destruction of Haven, standing with Solas in the light of the veilfire. She remembered watching the light flickering on his skin as he looked her over. She wanted to kiss him, even then. He looked at her as if she were an oddity, something strange and unexpected but beautiful. She wondered now if all his interest in her had simply been about the mark on her hand. Her heart squeezed and she pushed the thought as far back into her mind as she could.

Eventually, the group split in half. Solas and Cole went off to do… whatever it was, and Jan and Bull did some scouting. They still had very little information about Emprise du Lion, so Jan took it upon herself to gather some.

She spotted a vein of iron and stopped to mark her map. Whenever she stopped moving, she remembered how cold she was. Even after forgoing her foot-wraps for clunky human boots, the cold ate at her bones with every gust of wind. Bull, too, wore more clothing than usual, though not by his own choice. Jan had insisted he pack more substative armor before they left Skyhold.

“You’ve got to at least wear a shirt.” She’d nagged, hands planted firmly on her hips.

“If I have to wear a shirt, you have to wear shoes.” Bull bargained, gesturing to her naked toes. Jan considered this. She hadn’t even thought about how cold her feet would be.

“Fine, yes. Just  _ cover up _ .” Bull laughed and flexed his muscles for her. _ Who would want to cover this up, boss? _

Despite her teasing, Jan felt like she was somehow more poorly equipped for the weather than Bull. She’d layered clothing beneath her armor, put on a few pairs of socks, and still she shivered. But there Bull was- all he’d done was slap on some leather and a breastplate but he looked like he was out for a stroll on a balmy summer day.

“How are you not freezing?” Jan hissed, rolling up her map and shrugging into the furs she wore.

“It’s not that I’m not cold,” Bull shrugged. “Just doesn’t bother me, much.” Jan made a disgusted noise and sniffed as her cold nose started to run.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, boss. I’ve just had practice enduring extreme weather- part of Ben-Hassrath training.” The Inquisitor rolled her eyes, laughing.

”Everything you know how to do was part of Ben-Hassrath training.” Bull smirked.

”Not  _ everything _ .” He rumbled before planting a firm slap on her ass. She yelped and elbowed him in the ribs, but she did feel a little warmer.

 

\---

 

At dark, the group convened at camp, sharing a modest meal around the fire. Well, three of them ate- Cole just sat with them as a formality. He no longer ate or slept, now more spirit than boy, but it didn’t seem to bother him. He actually seemed more peaceful than when he’d first joined up. If there was anything Jan could still bring herself to compliment Solas for, it was how he helped Cole reach that peace.

Jan sat beside Bull and found herself scooting closer subconsciously, his massive body practically radiating heat. She felt a little self-conscious about their closeness- they didn’t usually touch unless it was during sex. Breathing on her hands and rubbing them, she tried to ignore her urge to look across the fire at Solas.

Instead she looked over at Cole. She couldn’t help but feel a little protective of him- there was something innocent about his nearly blind compassion. She supposed that was how Solas saw all spirits, as something pure, distilled. At the moment, the lad sat on a log and seemed to be examining flakes of snow as the firelight flickered off them. Then he blinked, looking upwards at the flames.

“She is bare-faced, embarrassed, and she doesn’t know. She thinks it’s because of her.” Jan froze, every muscle tensing.

“Cole…” She intended to make this sound like a warning, but it came out too much like pleading. She didn’t like the feeling of him prodding around in her head, at least not like this with Solas no more than ten steps away and Bull’s thigh touching her own.

“You cannot heal this, Cole.” Solas cut in. His voice was sharp against the crisp air. He did not look up from the flames, but the light danced on his face, much like that night in the Frostbacks. His face was expressionless, eyes downcast. Jan felt her jaw set. “Please, let it go.”

Cole retreated. He looked sheepishly over at Jan, big blue eyes examining something she couldn’t see.

“Knots in your heart like the knots in your back, you grind your teeth when you dream about it.” He paused, but not long enough for Jan to interject. “He would make you forget, if he could.” Bull shifted next to her. Solas gracefully got up from the fire and walked just outside camp.

“Thank you, da’len.” Jan twitched her lips upward. She wanted to give him a smile- he was only trying to help. She patted his shoulder awkwardly. “Why don’t you go keep an eye on Solas? Make sure he doesn’t wonder off too far.”

“He won’t,” Cole nodded, standing. “Not yet.”

“What the bloody hell does that mean?” Jan muttered as Cole left, her muscles slowly unclenching.

“No fucking clue.” Bull rumbled, pressing a big hand to her back, his thumb landing purposefully on the knot below her shoulder blades.

 

\---

 

Once Jan had enough of the cold, she decided she’d rather curl up and sleep than stay awake and be miserable. Solas had returned and retreated to his tent a while ago. She had no idea where Cole had gotten to, but trusted he would be safe. Protective though she was, she knew he didn’t really  _ need _ protecting.

Bull was about to bid her goodnight but she lingered at the flap of her tent, looking thoughtful.

“Warm me up?” She asked, lips chapped with cold curling into a sly smile. Bull smiled in return.

“Yes ma’am.”

The tent was too small. Bull couldn’t even attempt to stand. He crawled in, grunting when his joints complained.  Jan sat in the center, wrapping herself up in a blanket so that only her eyes and ears were visible. Bull arched his eyebrow and chuckled, kneeling close to her.

“That isn’t how this works.” He tugged her face out of the blankets. Jan laughed, her teeth chattering a little.

“I know, I know. I’m just so blighted  _ cold _ . I’m trying to warm up at least a little.” Bull settled with his legs crossed and huffed.

“C’mere.” He pulled her over to him, lifting her easily. He wrapped his big arms around her, their faces all but touching. Bull pressed his cheek to hers and she could feel his hot breath on her ear. He simply held her close, breathing.

“That better?” He murmured into her ear, giving her goosebumps.

“Y-yeah.” She stuttered. Jana Levallan didn’t stutter. But with his lips so close to her ear, his arms wrapped so tightly around her, she found her words stumbling.

“Good.” He rumbled, pulling back to look at her. She was still quivering, but it wasn’t cold making her shake now. Jan couldn’t remember ever looking into his eye as intently as she was in that moment. She didn’t know what made her do it, either.

Bull kissed her, teeth grazing her upper lip. She kissed back and did the same. Jan pressed her fingers into his sides, vaguely regretting her decision to make him wear armor instead of traipsing about without a shirt. Bull, too, was regretting their excess of clothes and began nibbling every inch of skin he could find. Jan squirmed when he nibbled at the tip of her ear and then she  _ giggled _ . Bull paused to give her a look.

“Did you just giggle? Like a little girl?” He seemed delighted to have elicited a response so contrary to her outward persona. She pushed against his chest, blushing hard.

“Shut up.” She hissed, then crashed her mouth back onto his, throwing in some tongue to keep him from talking. He seemed properly placated, palming the cheeks of her ass above her breaches. She dropped her knees on either side of his hips, straddling him properly, pressing against him. Bull broke the kiss and began pulling at her clothes.

“Enough of this. Too many clothes.” He growled. He tossed aside her scarves and began unbuttoning her tunic till her breasts were bare. They were so perfectly small and somehow warm, the cold air making her nipples harden. Bull descended onto them, circling her nipples with his tongue and biting playfully. Jan hummed with pleasure, her cheeks finally growing warm, melting away the chill. With torturous slowness he continued to unbuckle and unbutton till her shirt and pants both hung open.

The Iron Bull leaned back onto his elbows and cupped her cunt, gesturing for her to stand on her knees. She obliged, grabbing hold of a horn for balance, jumping as he slid two fingers into her pants.

“Oh, you’re wearing smalls now, boss?” He cooed, touching her over the thin fabric. She rubbed against his hand.

“I thought it might help me keep warm, or something.” She huffed. “It didn’t work.”

“You feel pretty warm to me.” He grinned, pressing down on her clit.

“How lewd.” She joked, biting her lip as he maneuvered past the smallclothes, ghosting his fingers over her cunt. He quickly shoved two fingers in and kept them there, feeling her.

“So,” The way his voice deepened and his gaze darkened made Jan’s knees weak. “Why don’t you just  _ say _ it?”

“Say what?” She asked through a moan as he curled his fingers in.

“Say,” With each word he curled his fingers again, pressing against her, teasing. “That you want me to fuck you so Solas can hear it.”

Jan almost flinched but her body reacted despite her mind- her cunt squeezed around his fingers. She wobbled, holding his horn harder, her face growing hot. With hazy eyes she looked Bull in the eye.

“I want you to fuck me so hard,” She grabbed his other horn, lowering herself further onto his fingers. “Solas will hear it from the bloody  _ fade _ .” Bull growled, flipping her onto her back, fingers still clenching inside.

“Can do.” He wasted little time after that. He retrieved on of her scarves and bound her hands above her head. That alone was enough to send a shot of heat through her- she’d come to anticipate being bound, now. Bull always wrapped her up so tenderly.

He peeled off his armor and leathers, unbuckled his pants then clawed at her ass. He pressed into her quickly, so fast she dug her fingernails into her palms and groaned loudly. Long gone were the days when his entrance hurt her- her body now welcomed him with ease. Bull began his thrusts, powerful hips moving in waves. His thrusts were deep and hard, the way he fucked when he wanted her to make lots of noise. She considered keeping quiet, the underlying vindictiveness of this act almost overwhelming the pleasure it brought. But after a few moments, her body began to quake and she could stay silent no more.

“Fenedhis¸ Bull,  _ yes. _ ” He drove into her- she could almost feel the cold ground beneath her tent. The pleasure was so divine, her eyes rolled back into her head and she squeezed her bound hands. “Please, please,” She groaned, arching her back, begging to come. He sank his nails into her ribs.

“You know just how to make me come.” She whispered, still begging. “Please, Bull…” Jan looked down at him, admiring the view of his cock disappearing into her, his thick abdomen flexing with each movement. He smiled at her, almost tenderly, lightly stroking her clit. A few quick, decisive strokes and she came, almost howling in pleasure.

While normally this would be where Bull came, he didn’t. He pulled her up, sitting her in his lap, still inside. He rubbed against her slowly for a moment and she pressed her hands against him. Jan was tired, now, but still she rocked against him, kissing his jaw softly as she caught her breath. Something about the way he moved, the way he held her, made her tired body burn again. His cock was still hard, she squeezed around him.

Jan looked up, panting, right into his eye. He began to thrust steadily, all the while looking right back at her. She couldn’t look away. Finally he slowed, slamming deep inside her, and came while biting down on her shoulder.

“Ah,” Jan breathed as Bull leaned onto his back and pulled out of her. She laid on his chest and they both breathed.

“That was good, kadan.” He murmured. Kadan? She’d have to ask him what that meant later. But right now all she could think about how warm she was, curled up inside one big arm.

“It was good.” She agreed with a deep sigh. Without another word, Bull pulled a pile of blankets on top of them. This was the first time they’d slept beside each other.

When they woke the next morning, she was surprised how normal it felt to see him when she opened her eyes.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gotten into the habit of explaining all of Bull's skills by saying he learned it from the Ben-Hassrath... but like I don't actually know if any of it is true haha.
> 
> Also I just went ahead and nabbed the Cole dialogue straight from the game because, woof, it's really good. In that it is super sad. Yaaaaay sad!!!
> 
> I uh have at least one more chapter left in mind. It's gonna be agnsty. Because I like pain.
> 
> Thanks for the comments, friends! They make me keep writing. ;D


	5. Harellan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kind comments! Really all it takes for me to finish a fic is someone who's excited about it. So thanks everyone!
> 
> This is the last chapter, though I'm sure i'll have more to write about these two in the future- or Jana and Solas, even. SO uh... Keep an eye on me! I guess? 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

The day Jan got her vallaslin is one she would never forget. She was seventeen, a little younger than most. She chose the mark of Dirthamen, god of secrets and knowledge. Not once during the ceremony did she cry out, her eyes watering and welling over in silence. She remembered the keen sting of her swollen skin and how she’d grinned despite the aching.

 

\---

 

Her whole body hurt and she found, to her surprise, that she was not dead. She stood, wounds bleeding, legs shaking, and suddenly there was Solas. He moved with quiet strides the fragments of the orb Corypheus had carried and gently picked the pieces up.

“Solas?”

“The orb.” He murmured, running his fingers over the fractured stone with reverence.

“Corypheus is  _ dead _ .” Jan’s brows knit together in confusion and frustration.. She clutched the gash in her leg, fingers tightening. “Is that not what’s important?”

“So much has been lost.” He spoke more to himself than to her. Heplaced the piece back on the ground and stood. He turned to her and she saw sorrow in his eyes. Something heavy weighed on his shoulders.

“There’s something you’re not saying.” She hissed.

“It was not supposed to happen this way.” Guilt. That was what weighed him down, his voice was laced with it. But why?

“No matter what comes,” His words were soft as he turned away from her. “I want you to know that what we had was real.”

Jan felt these words even deeper than any wound, any burn or gash she’d been given during this final assault. She lost her breath and curled her face into a scowl. Her eyes stung and blurred.

Before she could speak, Cassandra called to her. Jan turned to wave them over, limping towards the steps. When she looked back, Solas was gone.

 

\---

 

Jan remembered their accidental trip to the Fade in blurry detail. She spent much of that excursion terrified, feeling like prey in a hunting trap. The fear demon whispered to all of them, burrowing into their hearts and laughing.

_ Do you really think your clan will welcome you back, da’len? What use do the people have for some shemlen paragon? Ma banal las halamshir var vhen. _

_ You do nothing to further our people. _

She moved quickly through the Fade, feeling feral. She’d never fought so ferociously. Her fear distracted her, leaving her memory hazy. But she did remember the demon’s words to Solas.

_ Dirth ma, harellan. Ma banal enasalin. Mar solas ena mar din. _

She did not recognize all the words- some were words long lost to her people. But one word stood out in her mind, burning itself there.  _ Harellan _ . Trickster. Traitor to the people.

The demon knew their fears. It  _ was _ their fears. Why did Solas’ fear call him harellan?

Why was his greatest fear of dying alone?

 

\---

 

The night in Crestwood, when Solas touched her face and took her vallaslin, she had felt a terror much like the one she found in the Fade. She felt a link to her people slip through her fingers as his hands moved from her face. He looked at her with such pride, such tenderness.  _ Adoration _ . She let him cast the spell because she trusted him.  _ If this is true, I do not want it. I will not be seen as a slave. _

But once her face was bare, she remembered her seventeenth birthday, the pain of the writing on her cheeks, the joy and swell of pride as her kin congratulated her.  _ You are grown, now, lethallan. _

And then he backed away, shaking his head.

“I should let you return to your duties. I have distracted you enough.” Jan’s brow furrowed, she tilted her head.

”What?” Her face started to burn, realization tingling at her ears and eyes and cheeks. Her face was naked and so was her heart, bare and frightened. “You take my vallaslin and then we’re finished?”

“I’m sorry. I should have ended this sooner.” His face was infuriatingly still, only the slight crinkle in his eyes betraying any emotion. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Well we don’t always get what we want, do we.” She whispered, her anger mounting, her fists clenching. “Banal’abelas, banal’vhenan.” She turned, stalking away.

“Dirthara-ma,  _ harellan. _ ” She hissed. Dirthara, a word derived from the name of her patron god of knowledge and secrets, Dirthamen.  _ May you learn, traitor.  _

She did not turn to see his face then, but did not have to. She knew his face would look like it did that day in the fade. Stony and still with a glimmer of fear.

 

\---

 

As she descended the steps to join her Inquisition, she willed herself not to stumble, her wounded leg quaking with each stop.  _ What we had was real. _ She would not cry until much later. She focused on the pain, on the bruises and cuts and the rib she thought might be broken.

Half way down the stairs, Bull met her, offering her his hand. It was the hand with two fingers missing. She took it and squeezed. She didn’t look at him or speak, but he knew. He saw the microscopic quiver at the corner of her lips, the trembling of her tired shoulders as she tried to keep them proud and squared.

_ I need help _ . She said to herself.

_ I know, _ she imagined him replying,  _ Ben-Hassrath training, remember? _

 

\---

 

Upon returning from Emprise du Lion, Jan again ascended the stairs to meet with Leliana. Before she could take to the steps, she heard Solas’ speak, his voice biting.

“Is this how you would present your Inquisiton?” He stood tall, his hands folded behind his back, his chain raised. Jan turned to him slowly.

“Pardon me?” She kept her voice steady.

“Is this how you would present yourself?” He repeated, voice dripping with condescension, lips curled downwards. “Traipsing around Thedas, proudly bearing the vulgar marks given to you by your  _ pet Qunari _ ?”

Jan had not intended to engage him. She knew the performance she and Bull put on that night in camp would elicit some response, but she had anticipated letting Solas stew in whatever emotion it drew fromhim. Despite this, she stalked forward, jabbing a finger into his chest.

“You are a  _ hateful, ignorant _ old man.” She hissed, almost spitting. She knew he spoke out of anger, out of hurt. He  _ respected _ Bull, though they did not always agree with one another. But too often had he spoken of other peoples as lesser, as barbaric. He even spoke of the Dalish that way, as cavalierly as one would while talking about a particularly distasteful food. And  _ he _ had left  _ her.  _  “And you  _ do not _ own me.” Jan removed her finger hastily like she’d touched a hot coal. There was a flicker of recognition that flashed across his face, like he’d only just heard what he said to her. He tried to regain his composure.

“I- apologize.” His face fell. “I spoke out of-“

“ _ Keep _ \- your apologies.” Jan waved her hand. “I have no need for them.”

 

\---

 

After the returned to Skyhold, Jan was attended to by Inquisition healers alone in her quarters. The cleaned her wounds, sewed her up, bathed her tired skin. Quiet tears began to fall as they washed her hair with soap and warm water.

One of the healers, a young Dalish woman, combed her hair and whispered softly in Elven.  _ You have made our people proud, lethallan. _

Jan stayed in her quarters for a few days after that, mostly sleeping, sometimes picking at the food Josephine had insisted be brought to her in bed. She did not see Bull during that time, but she did hear him check in with the soldier stationed outside of her door at night.

\---

The day of the celebration, Jan finally stood from her bed. Her muscles ached, her sore leg still causing her to limp despite the healing magic. She hadn’t really cared whether or not they celebrated their victory, but Josephine made a case for rewarding her soldiers and staff for all their hard work. She signed off on the event, giving them full permission to pull out all the stops. She did doubt, though, that she would attend.

“I understand.” Josie had said carefully. “Your Inquisition will welcome you with open arms, if you do decide to attend.” Normally, Josie would probably have pressed the issue. But in the wake of such a taxing battle, she knew not to.

She strode- as much as she  _ could _ stride- to the little-used vanity. Also given to her by Josephine’s insistence. Little shem luxuries like this were lost on Jan.

In the mirror, she saw her naked face. Purple bags hung beneath her eyes, her cheeks and lips were peaked. She ran a hand over her face. It was too smooth. She missed the scared ridges of her vallaslin, the slight indent in her skin.

She picked up a red crayon from the vanity. Josephine had given it to her before the ball at Hallashiral. Shemlen face paint, very fashionable in Orlais. She’d forgone it then, but now she put the tip to her forehead. She dragged lines across her skin- the lines of Dirthamen. She remembered them, not perfectly, but nearly so. Once she was finished, she looked properly at her reflection again. The lines were jagged and smudged, but they were vibrant, red as blood.

Jan got dressed and went downstairs to the great hall. She could already hear the chatter of merrymaking. Goblets clanged, laughter ringing loudly off the walls. She made the rounds, playing as nice as she was able. Her courtesy was stiff and uncomfortable, but sincere. Josephine was delighted, she clasped her hands over Jan’s and showered her with congratulations and thanks for attending. Cullen rigidly clapped her on the shoulder and smiled, lip catching where it was scarred. Leliana squeezed her arm and whispered,  _ Do not worry, Inquisitor, we will find him. _

“I know.” Jan replied, touching Leliana’s hand. “I’ve hunted wolves before.”

\---

Jan didn’t last very long at the party. Before long, she made a quite exit, pacing along the walls of the garden. That was were Bull found her.

“Hey, boss.” His normally jovial greeting was soft. She turned to him, startled. He examined her face, then pointed at his own. “Nice, uh, vitaar.” He grinned.

“Vallaslin.” She corrected, but she smiled. “Though I guess it is closer to vitaar. Just not poisonous.” Jan paused, then added. “I think.” Bull laughed.

“You’re missin’ the big party in there.” He folded his big arms over his chest, head tilted.

“Yes.” She looked off into the garden. “That’s for the soldiers. The agents, not me.”

“How come?” Jan shrugged.

“Too tired.” She murmured and rubbed the back of her neck. “Very tired.” She turned her eyes downcast and looked to Bull like she might start crying.

He took her chin in his hand, forcing her to look at him. Then he dragged his thumb down the bridge of her nose, over her lips, to her chin, smearing the red paint. She began to shiver, lip trembling so slightly no one other than Bull would have seen it.

“He cannot change who you are, kadan.” Bull said. Jan’s shoulders started to shake, her chin curling, and she sobbed. He held her as she pressed into his chest, tears coming in waves. Soon she cried without noise- just silent and forceful sobs. Her whole body shook with them, her knees knocking, her knuckles white.

Once the tears subsided, she looked up at him. Her face was smeared with red and tears and snot. He brushed hair, damp from crying, from her forehead.

“Iron Bull,” She rasped. “What does  _ kadan _ mean?” He held the back of her head, stroking her hair lightly.

“It means  _ my heart _ .” He murmured, unfaltering. Honest. As candid and unguarded as he had been when they met on the Storm Coast, though without the cocky grin.

“My heart,” She echoed, after a moment of thinking. She reached up to palm his cheek and he leaned into her touch. “ _ Ma vhenan. _ ” Jan leaned back into his chest, wrapping her arms as much around him as she could.

“ _ Ar lath ma vhenan. _ ” She said, pressing her fingers into his back.

“What does that mean?” His question vibrated from his chest to her ears and she smiled.

“You know what it means.” Bull chuckled, wrapping her into his arms, kissing the crown of her head.

“I do.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a little drawing of Jan around the end of the fic so I'll just put this here......  
> It's on my nsfw tumblr even tho it's not nsfw because it's the same username as my pseudonym here and I'm terrified of my mom finding my fanfic someday. So it's not on my normal art tumblr. Haha. Feel free to follow! Or message me there if you want my regular tumblr. IDK be my friend.
> 
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> [](http://ccoolant.tumblr.com>jk%20that%20drawing%20sucked%20i'm%20just%20linking%20to%20my%20blog%20now</a>)


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